Solving the Water Problem

Charging BullI live in Wyoming. We have lots of cattle. Beef isn’t just ‘what’s for dinner’, it’s what pays the light bill. So, I am not usually a fan of PETA. But their latest campaign has struck a cord with me. They say that cattle are taking too much water. Wyoming is pretty dry. Our climate goes from desert all the way to not-quite-desert. Water is a precious commodity.

This time, I agree with PETA. Let’s get rid of the cattle. I know PETA lobbies for humane in our treatment of animals. I agree. So, if we’re going to end the cattle trade, let’s do it humanely. I mean, just turning all those cows loose would be cruel. Many would be hit by cars. They would rampage through towns. Unchecked, more cows would be born, they would drink and befoul the water, and we would have an even bigger problem.

So here’s what I propose: We work to slaughter the cows. But in an humane and organized way. Pregnant cows shouldn’t be killed. Nursing cows should also be left alone, along with their babies. I’m sure you agree that it’s the right thing to do. But, to make sure that cows don’t produce too many other cows, we neuter almost all of the males that are born. Leave a few of them – we don’t want to cause the extinction of a species. To make sure we get rid of them in an organized way, we should also mark them at this point, so we know where they came from and can account for them. Perhaps some sort of tag, or mark on the skin would do. While we work through this plan, we need to keep them in carefully contained areas. Barbed wire fence should do the trick.

When they are, oh, let’s say two years old or so, they aren’t babies anymore. It’s time to get rid of those water stealing jerks. And since we don’t want a bunch of rotting cows fouling up the environment with their carbon creating carcases, we should send them to a place that specializes in getting rid of the fiends. Establish central locations where we can eliminate them in an efficient, quick, and painless way. But while we want their demise to be humane, we don’t want to unnecessarily waste precious resources. Perhaps we could use them to feed the hungry. We could enlist the aid of local markets to distribute the remains of the cows in an economically sensible way.

We could even create a festival in the summer to help get rid of all the extra cow-meat generated by our water reclamation plan. Sometime near the beginning of July would work. To celebrate the end of the cattle’s water tyranny, and our independence from the horrors they have imposed on us, I say we light fireworks and invite friends over.  We’ll call it, “Independence Day”. If we’re lucky, we could even try and get the British to join us in our crusade. (Ok, maybe that’s a bridge too far.)

I know we’re usually on opposite sides. But this is one time I think we can band together to fight a common enemy. With maybe a nice gorgonzola sauce.

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